Love's Labour's Lost (version 2) - Free Audiobook

000 ACT V.

Scene I. The same.

LLL V. 1 Enter Holofernes, Sir Nathaniel, and Dull.

001 Hol. Satis quod sufficit.

002 Nath. I praise God for you, sir: your reasons at dinner have been sharp and sententious; pleasant without scurrility, 004 witty without affection, audacious without impudency, learned 005 without opinion, and strange without heresy. I did converse this quondam day with a companion of the king’s, who is intituled, nominated, or called, Don Adriano de Armado.

008 Hol. Novi hominem tanquam te: his humour is lofty, his discourse peremptory, his tongue filed, his eye ambitious, 010 his gait majestical, and his general behaviour vain, ridiculous, 011 and thrasonical. He is too picked, too spruce, too affected, too odd, as it were, too peregrinate, as I may call it.

013 Nath. A most singular and choice epithet. [Draws out his table-book.

Hol. He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer 015 than the staple of his argument. I abhor such fanatical phantasimes, such insociable and point-devise companions; 017 such rackers of orthography, as to speak dout, fine, when he should say doubt; det, when he should pronounce debt, —d, e, b, t, not d, e, t: he clepeth a calf, cauf; half, hauf; 020 neighbour vocatur nebour; neigh abbreviated ne. This is 021 abhominable,—which he would call abbominable: it insinuateth 022 me of insanie: ne intelligis, domine? to make frantic, lunatic.

024 Nath. Laus Deo, bene intelligo.

025 Hol. Bon, bon, fort bon, Priscian! a little scratched, ’twill serve.

026 Nath. Videsne quis venit?

Hol. Video, et gaudeo.

Enter Armado, Moth, and Costard.

Arm. Chirrah! [To Moth.

030 Hol. Quare chirrah, not sirrah?

Arm. Men of peace, well encountered.

Hol. Most military sir, salutation.

Moth. [Aside to Costard] They have been at a great 034 feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.

035 Cost. O, they have lived long on the alms-basket of words. I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word; for thou art not so long by the head as honorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easier swallowed than a flap-dragon.

Moth. Peace! the peal begins.

040 Arm. [To Hol.] Monsieur, are you not lettered?

Moth. Yes, yes; he teaches boys the horn-book. What is a, b, spelt backward, with the horn on his head?

Hol. Ba, pueritia, with a horn added.

045 Moth. Ba, most silly sheep with a horn. You hear his learning.

Hol. Quis, quis, thou consonant?

047 Moth. The third of the five vowels, if you repeat them; or the fifth, if I.

Hol. I will repeat them,—a, e, i,—

050 Moth. The sheep: the other two concludes it,—o, u.

051 Arm. Now, by the salt wave of the Mediterraneum, a sweet touch, a quick venue of wit,—snip, snap, quick and home! it rejoiceth my intellect: true wit!

Moth. Offered by a child to an old man; which is wit-old.

055 Hol. What is the figure? what is the figure?

Moth. Horns.

057 Hol. Thou disputest like an infant: go, whip thy gig.

Moth. Lend me your horn to make one, and I will whip 059 about your infamy circum circa,—a gig of a cuckold’s horn.

060 Cost. An I had but one penny in the world, thou shouldst have it to buy gingerbread: hold, there is the very remuneration I had of thy master, thou halfpenny purse of wit, thou pigeon-egg of discretion. O, an the heavens were so pleased that thou wert but my bastard, what a 065 joyful father wouldst thou make me! Go to; thou hast it 066 ad dunghill, at the fingers’ ends, as they say.

Hol. O, I smell false Latin; dunghill for unguem.

068 Arm. Arts-man, preambulate, we will be singuled from the barbarous. Do you not educate youth at the 070 charge-house on the top of the mountain?

Hol. Or mons, the hill.

Arm. At your sweet pleasure, for the mountain.

Hol. I do, sans question.

074 Arm. Sir, it is the king’s most sweet pleasure and affection 075 to congratulate the princess at her pavilion in the posteriors of this day, which the rude multitude call the afternoon.

Hol. The posterior of the day, most generous sir, is liable, congruent and measurable for the afternoon: the 080 word is well culled, chose, sweet and apt, I do assure you, sir, I do assure.

Arm. Sir, the king is a noble gentleman, and my familiar, 083 I do assure ye, very good friend: for what is inward 084 between us, let it pass. I do beseech thee, remember thy 085 courtesy; I beseech thee, apparel thy head: and among 086 other important and most serious designs, and of great import indeed, too, but let that pass: for I must tell thee, it will please his Grace, by the world, sometime to lean upon my poor shoulder, and with his royal finger, thus, dally with 090 my excrement, with my mustachio; but, sweet heart, let that pass. By the world, I recount no fable: some certain special honours it pleaseth his greatness to impart to Armado, a soldier, a man of travel, that hath seen the world; but let that pass. The very all of all is,—but, sweet heart, 095 I do implore secrecy,—that the king would have me present the princess, sweet chuck, with some delightful ostentation, or show, or pageant, or antique, or firework. Now, understanding that the curate and your sweet self are good at 099 such eruptions and sudden breaking out of mirth, as it 100 were, I have acquainted you withal, to the end to crave your assistance.

Hol. Sir, you shall present before her the Nine Worthies. 103 Sir, as concerning some entertainment of time, some show 104 in the posterior of this day, to be rendered by our assistants, 105 at the king’s command, and this most gallant, illustrate, 106 and learned gentleman, before the princess; I say none so fit as to present the Nine Worthies.

Nath. Where will you find men worthy enough to present them?

110 Hol. Joshua, yourself; myself and this gallant gentleman, Judas Maccabæus; this swain, because of his great limb 112 or joint, shall pass Pompey the Great; the page, Hercules,—

Arm. Pardon, sir; error: he is not quantity enough for that Worthy’s thumb: he is not so big as the end of his club.

115 Hol. Shall I have audience? he shall present Hercules in minority: his enter and exit shall be strangling a snake; and I will have an apology for that purpose.

Moth. An excellent device! so, if any of the audience hiss, you may cry, “Well done, Hercules! now thou crushest 120 the snake!” that is the way to make an offence gracious, 121 though few have the grace to do it.

Arm. For the rest of the Worthies?—

Hol. I will play three myself.

Moth. Thrice-worthy gentleman!

125 Arm. Shall I tell you a thing?

Hol. We attend.

127 Arm. We will have, if this fadge not, an antique. I beseech you, follow.

Hol. Via, goodman Dull! thou hast spoken no word 130 all this while.

Dull. Nor understood none neither, sir.

132 Hol. Allons! we will employ thee.

133 Dull. I’ll make one in a dance, or so; or I will play

On the tabor to the Worthies, and let them dance the hay.

135 Hol. Most dull, honest Dull! To our sport, away! [Exeunt.