Love's Labour's Lost (version 2) - Free Audiobook

000 Scene IV. The forest.

AYLI V. 4 Enter Duke senior, Amiens, Jaques, Orlando, Oliver, and Celia.

Duke S. Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy

Can do all this that he hath promised?

Orl. I sometimes do believe, and sometimes do not;

004 As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.

Enter Rosalind, Silvius, and Phebe.

005 Ros. Patience once more, whiles our compact is urged:

You say, if I bring in your Rosalind,

You will bestow her on Orlando here?

Duke S. That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.

Ros. And you say, you will have her, when I bring her?

010 Orl. That would I, were I of all kingdoms king.

Ros. You say, you’ll marry me, if I be willing?

Phe. That will I, should I die the hour after.

Ros. But if you do refuse to marry me,

You’ll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?

015 Phe. So is the bargain.

Ros. You say, that you’ll have Phebe, if she will?

Sil. Though to have her and death were both one thing.

Ros. I have promised to make all this matter even.

Keep you your word, O Duke, to give your daughter;

020 You yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter:

021 Keep your word, Phebe, that you’ll marry me,

Or else refusing me, to wed this shepherd:

Keep your word, Silvius, that you’ll marry her,

If she refuse me: and from hence I go,

025 To make these doubts all even. [Exeunt Rosalind and Celia.

Duke S. I do remember in this shepherd boy

Some lively touches of my daughter’s favour.

Orl. My lord, the first time that I ever saw him

Methought he was a brother to your daughter:

030 But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born,

And hath been tutor’d in the rudiments

Of many desperate studies by his uncle,

033 Whom he reports to be a great magician,

Obscured in the circle of this forest.

Enter Touchstone and Audrey.

035 Jaq. There is, sure, another flood toward, and these 036 couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools.

Touch. Salutation and greeting to you all!

Jaq. Good my lord, bid him welcome: this is the motley-minded 040 gentleman that I have so often met in the forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.

Touch. If any man doubt that, let him put me to my purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattered a lady; I have been politic with my friend, smooth with mine 045 enemy; I have undone three tailors; I have had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.

Jaq. And how was that ta’en up?

048 Touch. Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon the seventh cause.

050 Jaq. How seventh cause? Good my lord, like this fellow.

Duke S. I like him very well.

053 Touch. God ’ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. I press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country copulatives, 055 to swear and to forswear; according as marriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin, sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor humour of mine, sir, to take that that no man else will: rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.

060 Duke S. By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.

061 Touch. According to the fool’s bolt, sir, and such dulcet 062 diseases.

Jaq. But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the quarrel on the seventh cause?

065 Touch. Upon a lie seven times removed:—bear your body more seeming, Audrey:—as thus, sir. I did dislike the cut of a certain courtier’s beard: he sent me word, if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the mind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous. If I sent him word 070 again ‘it was not well cut,’ he would send me word, he cut it to please himself: this is called the Quip Modest. If again ‘it was not well cut,’ he disabled my judgement: this is called the Reply Churlish. If again ‘it was not well cut,’ he would answer, I spake not true: this is called the Reproof 075 Valiant. If again ‘it was not well cut,’ he would say, 076 I lie: this is called the Countercheck Quarrelsome: and so to the Lie Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.

Jaq. And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?

080 Touch. I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial, nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we measured swords and parted.

Jaq. Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?

085 Touch. O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have books for good manners: I will name you the degrees. The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the Countercheck Quarrelsome; 090 the sixth, the Lie with Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven 093 justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of an If, as, 095 ‘If you said so, then I said so;’ and they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the only peace-maker; much virtue in If.

098 Jaq. Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he’s as good at any thing and yet a fool.

100 Duke S. He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit.

Enter Hymen, Rosalind, and Celia.

Still Music.

Hym. Then is there mirth in heaven,

When earthly things made even

104 Atone together.

105 Good Duke, receive thy daughter:

Hymen from heaven brought her,

Yea, brought her hither,

108 That thou mightst join her hand with his

109 Whose heart within his bosom is.

110 Ros. To you I give myself, for I am yours.

To you I give myself, for I am yours.

Duke S. If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.

113 Orl. If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.

114 Phe. If sight and shape be true,

115 Why then, my love adieu!

Ros. I’ll have no father, if you be not he:

I’ll have no husband, if you be not he:

Nor ne’er wed woman, if you be not she.

Hym. Peace, ho! I bar confusion:

120 ’Tis I must make conclusion

Of these most strange events:

Here’s eight that must take hands

To join in Hymen’s bands,

If truth holds true contents.

125 You and you no cross shall part:

You and you are heart in heart:

You to his love must accord,

Or have a woman to your lord:

You and you are sure together,

130 As the winter to foul weather.

Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,

Feed yourselves with questioning;

That reason wonder may diminish,

134 How thus we met, and these things finish.

Song.

135 Wedding is great Juno’s crown:

O blessed bond of board and bed!

’Tis Hymen peoples every town;

High wedlock then be honoured:

Honour, high honour and renown,

140 To Hymen, god of every town!

Duke S. O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me!

142 Even daughter, welcome, in no less degree.

Phe. I will not eat my word, now thou art mine;

144 Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combine.

Enter Jaques de Boys.

145 Jaq. de B. Let me have audience for a word or two:

I am the second son of old Sir Rowland,

That bring these tidings to this fair assembly.

Duke Frederick, hearing how that every day

Men of great worth resorted to this forest,

150 Address’d a mighty power; which were on foot,

In his own conduct, purposely to take

His brother here and put him to the sword:

And to the skirts of this wild wood he came;

Where meeting with an old religious man,

155 After some question with him, was converted

Both from his enterprise and from the world;

His crown bequeathing to his banish’d brother,

158 And all their lands restored to them again

That were with him exiled. This to be true,

I do engage my life.

Duke S.

160 Welcome, young man;

161 Thou offer’st fairly to thy brothers’ wedding:

To one his lands withheld; and to the other

A land itself at large, a potent dukedom.

First, in this forest let us do those ends

165 That here were well begun and well begot:

And after, every of this happy number,

That have endured shrewd days and nights with us,

Shall share the good of our returned fortune,

169 According to the measure of their states.

170 Meantime, forget this new-fallen dignity,

And fall into our rustic revelry.

Play, music! And you, brides and bridegrooms all,

With measure heap’d in joy, to the measures fall.

Jaq. Sir, by your patience. If I heard you rightly,

175 The Duke hath put on a religious life

And thrown into neglect the pompous court?

Jaq. de B. He hath.

Jaq. To him will I: out of these convertites

There is much matter to be heard and learn’d.

180 [To Duke S.] You to your former honour I bequeath;

181 Your patience and your virtue well deserves it:

[To Orl.] You to a love, that your true faith doth merit:

[To Oli.] You to your land, and love, and great allies:

[To Sil.] You to a long and well-deserved bed:

185 [To Touch.] And you to wrangling; for thy loving voyage

Is but for two months victuall’d. So, to your pleasures:

I am for other than for dancing measures.

Duke S. Stay, Jaques, stay.

Jaq. To see no pastime I: what you would have

190 I’ll stay to know at your abandon’d cave. [Exit.

191 Duke S. Proceed, proceed: we will begin these rites,

192 As we do trust they’ll end, in true delights. [A dance.

000 EPILOGUE.

Ros. It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue; but it is no more unhandsome than to see the lord the prologue. If it be true that good wine needs no bush, ’tis true that a good play needs no epilogue: yet to good wine they 005 do use good bushes; and good plays prove the better by 006 the help of good epilogues. What a case am I in then, 007 that am neither a good epilogue, nor cannot insinuate with you in the behalf of a good play! I am not furnished like a beggar, therefore to beg will not become me: my way is 010 to conjure you; and I’ll begin with the women. I charge you, O women, for the love you bear to men, to like as 012 much of this play as please you: and I charge you, O men, for the love you bear to women,—as I perceive by your 014 simpering, none of you hates them,—that between you and 015 the women the play may please. If I were a woman I would kiss as many of you as had beards that pleased me, complexions that liked me and breaths that I defied not: and, I am sure, as many as have good beards or good faces or sweet breaths will, for my kind offer, when I make 020 curtsy, bid me farewell. [Exeunt.