Love's Labour's Lost (version 2) - Free Audiobook

000 Scene III. A street.

MAAN III. 3 Enter Dogberry and Verges with the Watch.

Dog. Are you good men and true?

Verg. Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.

Dog. Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, 005 if they should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the prince’s watch.

Verg. Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.

008 Dog. First, who think you the most desartless man to be constable?

010 First Watch. Hugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole; for they can write and read.

Dog. Come hither, neighbour Seacole. God hath blessed you with a good name: to be a well-favoured man is the gift of fortune; but to write and read comes by nature.

015 Sec. Watch. Both which, master constable,—

Dog. You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boast of it; and for your writing and reading, let that appear 019 when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought 020 here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable 021 of the watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the prince’s name.

024 Sec. Watch. How if a’ will not stand?

025 Dog. Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and presently call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you are rid of a knave.

Verg. If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the prince’s subjects.

030 Dog. True, and they are to meddle with none but the prince’s subjects. You shall also make no noise in the 032 streets; for for the watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.

034 Watch. We will rather sleep than talk: we know what 035 belongs to a watch.

Dog. Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman; for I cannot see how sleeping should offend: only, have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well, you 039 are to call at all the ale-houses, and bid those that are 040 drunk get them to bed.

Watch. How if they will not?

Dog. Why, then, let them alone till they are sober: if they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them for.

045 Watch. Well, sir.

Dog. If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and, for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why, the more is for your honesty.

050 Watch. If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?

Dog. Truly, by your office, you may; but I think they that touch pitch will be defiled: the most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself 055 what he is, and steal out of your company.

Verg. You have been always called a merciful man, partner.

Dog. Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hath any honesty in him.

060 Verg. If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse and bid her still it.

Watch. How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?

Dog. Why, then, depart in peace, and let the child wake 065 her with crying; for the ewe that will not hear her lamb 066 when it baes will never answer a calf when he bleats.

Verg. ’Tis very true.

Dog. This is the end of the charge:—you, constable, are to present the prince’s own person: if you meet the 070 prince in the night, you may stay him.

071 Verg. Nay, by’r lady, that I think a’ cannot.

Dog. Five shillings to one on’t, with any man that 073 knows the statues, he may stay him: marry, not without the prince be willing; for, indeed, the watch ought to offend no 075 man; and it is an offence to stay a man against his will.

Verg. By’r lady, I think it be so.

Dog. Ha, ah, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be any matter of weight chances, call up me: keep your 079 fellows’ counsels and your own; and good night. Come, 080 neighbour.

Watch. Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here upon the church-bench till two, and then all to bed.

Dog. One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you, 085 watch about Signior Leonato’s door; for the wedding being there to-morrow, there is a great coil to-night. Adieu: be 087 vigitant, I beseech you. [Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.

088 Enter Borachio and Conrade.

Bora. What, Conrade!

089 Watch. [Aside] Peace! stir not.

090 Bora. Conrade, I say!

Con. Here, man; I am at thy elbow.

Bora. Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a scab follow.

Con. I will owe thee an answer for that: and now forward 095 with thy tale.

Bora. Stand thee close, then, under this pent-house, for it drizzles rain; and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.

Watch. [Aside] Some treason, masters: yet stand close.

100 Bora. Therefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.

Con. Is it possible that any villany should be so dear?

Bora. Thou shouldst rather ask, if it were possible any 104 villany should be so rich; for when rich villains have need 105 of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.

Con. I wonder at it.

Bora. That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.

110 Con. Yes, it is apparel.

Bora. I mean, the fashion.

Con. Yes, the fashion is the fashion.

Bora. Tush! I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?

115 Watch. [Aside] I know that Deformed; a’ has been a 116 vile thief this seven year; a’ goes up and down like a gentleman: I remember his name.

Bora. Didst thou not hear somebody?

119 Con. No; ’twas the vane on the house.

120 Bora. Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is? how giddily a’ turns about all the hot bloods 122 between fourteen and five-and-thirty? sometimes fashioning 123 them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reeky painting, 124 sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old church-window, sometime 125 like the shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?

127 Con. All this I see; and I see that the fashion wears out more apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself 129 giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of 130 thy tale into telling me of the fashion?

Bora. Not so, neither: but know that I have to-night wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress’ chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good night,—I tell this 135 tale vilely:—I should first tell thee how the prince, Claudio and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my 137 master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.

139 Con. And thought they Margaret was Hero?

140 Bora. Two of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by my villany, which did confirm any slander that Don John had made, 145 away went Claudio enraged; swore he would meet her, as he was appointed, next morning at the temple, and there, 147 before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw o’er night, and send her home again without a husband.

149 First Watch. We charge you, in the prince’s name, 150 stand!

Sec. Watch. Call up the right master constable. We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery 153 that ever was known in the commonwealth.

First Watch. And one Deformed is one of them: I 155 know him; a’ wears a lock.

Con. Masters, masters,—

Sec. Watch. You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.

159 Con. Masters,—?

160 First Watch. Never speak: we charge you let us obey you to go with us.

Bora. We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of these men’s bills.

Con. A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, 165 we’ll obey you. [Exeunt.